We are often driven towards melancholy now a days. Some people grow sad because they constantly compare their situations with others. Everything looks better on the outside. The neighbours new car, his garden, his job, his house and sometimes even his wife ! What we fail to understand is that there is no end to greed and one must learn to stay content in whatever he/she has and every situation he has been placed in. We must value today since it won’t be the same tomorrow. Its extremely important to cherish that moment even thought it might not be perfect or even near to perfection ! I often hear people talk about the same routine. How they get stuck in the same humdrum jobs, same life! I think it’s of immense importance to break the monotony sometimes but at the same time I also feel that we must learn and practice to see things differently ! You must be wondering what am I talking about here. Let me explain this to you with an example… There are two people …lets say Tom & Brad! Brad wakes up…eats breakfast ..drives to his office …finishes his work late ..comes back home …eats supper and goes off to sleep. He always cribs about his life! Tom on the other hand realises the importance of noticing and observing how no days can be similar. He wakes up, selects a different cereal everyday and plays a new track in his car to this work. At his workplace, interacts with his colleagues, talks about work and so many other things and common interests that he possibly shares with them. Talking leads to learning new things, opening new hearts, venting out feelings which is itself therapeutic in many ways! Sometimes also brings out “laughter” that is contagious ! Even when Tom does not go out for dinner or drinks but comes back home to his family …the pleasure of having dinner with them brings him immense pleasure. He therefore remains grateful for each day and chooses to stay content. I know that it’s not easy to be this ways. We don’t stay in a utopian world after all. I also understand that there are days that bring utter grief and sometimes leaves us in exasperation. But it’s of immense importance to not just remember the rainy days but instead focus on the silver linings in life! We must try and find happiness in the little things in life, try to stay happy with what we have ! Strive to be better but by only trying & not complaining . Whoever is reading this, I hope this little article brings about some positivity in your lives and you learn to live in the moment .
“He is actually going through a lot at work” ” He dint mean to do it”
” I love him a lot so I will wait for him to change!” “He loves me but doesn’t have a control on his temper!”
” I have to endure it because I have no place to go and this is easier than struggling out on my own!” You often hear these excuses from women on being asked “why are they still with the man who abuses them?” Abuse is not just physical. It can be psychological and emotional too in the form of regular patterns of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism. Sometimes more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Generally, most women choose to stay in such relationships largely because of the following reasons:
“A low self esteem and confidence,
When they have no other place to go or have a financial dependency on their husbands, Scared of being alone,
To protect their children ,
To fake a normal family life in the eyes of the society ,
Abnormal childhood or dominating fathers ,
Some women get their sense of worth only after being with a man. ”
I understand that these issues might be very difficult to cope up by a few of us but if we gather a little courage and decide when to draw a line….when to finally decide that enough is enough, nothing is impossible. If we do not hesitate to ask for help, even a little help of the right friends and family can give us a new, respectful life. Most of us are suppressed because of our dependency on men. Although it feels proud to see an alarming no of women working these days but still many of us choose to stay dependent instead. Most of the above mentioned factors are linked to being Independent. For instance, if you work and move out of the house everyday , you gain a sense of self confidence which in turn builds up a higher self esteem. Also you end up bringing financial stability to yourself and your child. Now coming on to the remaining points. I fail to understand why are we so scared of ending up alone. When in solitude, we (humans) are at the peak of our creativity . There are a million things one can do in order to channelise ones energy to do something productive. For those of you who have just been out of a toxic relationship, I say travel! They say one must travel as far as possible till you find yourself, till you let go off the thorn in your flesh. In this process one ends up meeting new people and making new friends who sometimes end up becoming companions for a lifetime. For those who believe in grieving alone for sometime or do not have friends and family, adopt a pet . They have magical healing powers. Whoever has a pet will be able to relate to what I am saying. There is nothing more blissful than coming home to a them. They would always greet you with the same excitement each day till their last breath unlike humans. They would never make you feel alone even for a second and are a great companions. According to a survey and to my astonishment, a lot of rich successful women also decide to stay in abusive relationships because of the fear of being judged in the society . What they fail to understand is that it’s us who make this society. If one strong woman, stands up for herself and steps away from a man who defy’s her, she will set the right example for many others who are too weak to take this step. I had once read an article on abnormal childhood . There were two twin boys who used to watch their father beat up their mother black and blue every night after getting drunk. But still, out of the two brothers only one blindly followed his fathers footsteps while the other choose to not do so. They witnessed the same behaviour every night and had the same childhood. Then why the change? Moral values and education is the answer. The other boy decided to not do the same because he was empathetic towards his mothers pain and decided to became a better human being unlike his father. Abnormal childhood can also be worked on if you reason your brain to question your deeds which most of us fail to do. One simple thought before going to bed about what wrongs you did and how to improvise on your actions can save many lives. This is indeed a never ending topic and I can keep going on and on but today the only thing I wanted to discuss was how to fight back the reasons why most of us stay being tortured. I often blame a part of this problem on the fairy tales who have always mentioned all princesses being saved by their Prince Charming because somewhere deep inside our hearts we are all waiting to be rescued by our perfect heroes. The tragic reality is that “Darling, you have to be your own hero because everyone is busy trying to save themselves“! Find your self worth first, only then can you make others see it. For all those who have gone through this at some point in their lives and are still depressed or lonely, find patience within yourself and don’t stop living! For all of you who are presently struggling in this situation , please gather the courage and move out of your situation…”Save yourself !”
Since time immemorial …the concept of soulmates has been changing . The 14th to 17th century Renaissance artists & poets believed and preached that we have just one soulmate. They believed that once you find that special someone your world stops and you just know it. On the contrary the new generation writers, philosophers & now therapists say that there can be more than one and sometimes more than two soulmates in your life. The age of the romantics taught us to believe in pure, unadulterated love whereas in our times, we have been made to believe that it’s all a hit and try process. When u think you have found the one, give that person a try and see if it works. If it does…Voila! Good for you ! If not, wipe your tears, stand taller than before and move on. Sometimes we find the perfect ideal match in this process. Sometimes, we become so tired of this mundane process that we settle down with the one we get and decide to live with that someone just because we are comfortable in his/her skin and perhaps sometimes this road leads us onto so many heartbreaks that we decide on staying single for the rest of our lives! This era has confused us to the core. So much so that we don’t know what is love. What does this word mean…what is love anyways…the ultimate “one love”! Food for thought!!
They finally meet after 10 years just like that. It was fate playing funny again . “Trying to humour me”, she thought. He stood there numb & guilty as hell .She looked at him “all smiles”. He saw how beautiful she looked still & took two steps towards her. He leaned down to catch a good glimpse of her and to maintain an eye contact since she was way shorter than him. He was taken back to the old flashback memories of them..the long drives,the rendezvous visits, the conversations that ended all night long. This made him sad. He was now wondering why aren’t we together? What went so drastically bad that couldn’t get fixed before. His mind was now cluttered with thoughts he had never considered important before..thoughts which never could consume him like it did in her case. He whispered in her ear: “Sweet love, what led us here”? She replied…for the first time not feeling vulnerable in his presence …because she wasn’t weak. Time had healed all her wounds! She had risen from the ashes…immune to his vain charms now. She looked into his eyes without her pupils dilating & said …”babe.. Care to hear a short story”? He nodded …she continued : There was girl who lived in a far away land..She was a perfectionist…always in charge of everything in her life. She was unfamiliar with the word : “Chaos”! She had her life all planned…till the age of 60..things she wanted to do, places she wanted to see, goals she wanted to achieve! She believed that Love was merely a fantasy that only existed in the fairytales or the movies that played in Romedy now! She tried loving but failed miserably every time because she felt nothing! Her heart was as cold as ice. All she felt was a friendly alliance incapable of forming anything deeper from the men she dated in the past. Then, suddenly one day a boy walked upto her & changed everything she believed in. He dint make any extra efforts to win over her. He narrated stale poems that he probably wrote for every girl he wanted to impress, sang songs for her that he probably sang alone in the shower!! She was just his new muse while she couldn’t keep it casual this time. Every time he held her hand or kissed her, she felt her heart sink deeper. She felt helpless around him whereas he felt nothing! She kept giving in …trying to make this work but failed tremendously. One fine day, she decided to leave. She wore her running shoes and ran as far as possible…without looking back because she knew if she would do so, he would lure her to stay. Over the years there are few things she learned. None of us are cold. None of us are incapable of loving. It just takes that one person to change everything and make you experience the beautiful emotion : Love! She said :”Thanks for making me feel that I am capable of loving someone too”. The time we spent together was magical! On one hand…a part of me might never stop loving you but on the other hand I’ve decided to stay away from people who give me constant heart breaks. She hugged him and left. Not all stories are perfect. Not all of them have a happy ending like in the movies. I feel that it’s important to realise the importance of leaving if you get caught in a stale relationship which is not moving ahead inspite of constant efforts only from one side. Every relationship is work & it requires continuous efforts from both ends. If you find yourself stuck in a one sided relationship, walk out before it’s too late.
Me and my brother have an age difference of six years. So, I was a lonely child for the longest time. My dad was in the navy. So, he kept getting posted and I kept changing schools. My parents insisted that I go to a boarding but I was adamant on not leaving them. This life excited me. I enjoyed change. After every two years.. change of school, change of friends, change of place. All this gave me an adrenaline rush! I hated stagnancy. I wanted to keep moving, to keep travelling, to see new places, meet new people. There were no cell phones that time so I couldn’t stay in touch with the ones I loved even if I wanted to. So, this had become a way of living for me. To get used to heartaches, to have no attachments with places, things & humans. Ofcourse, I had my moments of weakness but I had learned to guard myself up..to bottle up my feelings…to accept that nothing lasts forever! I enjoyed a tremendous learning experience which also resulted in me maturing up much earlier than my inmates. I was the girl who had a view point about everything but when it came to expressing my feelings, I just couldn’t do it . I could show love by caring for people but never express it. My parents used to often hug me and tell me how much they loved me but I could never say those three words. I had accepted that I was incapable of expressing myself. I thought maybe there are certain things that are meant to be understood on your own but not said. My understanding of relationships was all on a very platonic level which most people dint get “obviously.” One day, two of my friends : Veronica and Cameron had come over to my place for a sleepover. Veronica was one of my best friends but I dint know Cameron very well. We had just met a couple of times in parties and sometimes hung out together in college only in a group, never alone. I wouldn’t call her a friend but yes we were cordial. We chatted for long when Veronica saw the clock and said “Omg! It’s 2:00 am! I have an early yoga class tomorrow! I am sleeping. Goodnight girls” . I was a little tired myself so I asked Cameron ..”Umm so, wana slee…”.. She cut me short and said. ” I miss him” I looked at her in amazement. “Who are you talking about?” She went on : ” I was dating this guy from school. We were madly in love. After college, we had decided to tell our parents and tie a knot soon. He was a family friend. Our families were more than happy to know about our decision. Everything was going as planned. The date was set for the engagement, the outfits were ready and the invitations were out. One night, we had a huge fight. He called me while driving back home to apologise and make up. I was mad at him. He told me how much he loved me and I just hung up on him! After five minutes of my call being disconnected, he met with an accident and died on the spot!” Her eyes were heavy with tears. I dint know what to do? What to say? I was not good at these things. I just lay there..blank ..feeling so bad for her. I couldn’t move. I felt numb! “I lost him that day!” She continued, ” I often feel his bewitching sillage whenever alone, like he is here with me”. I understand that everyone has to go one day and you can’t bring back the dead. His memories would stay forever in my heart but what I regret the most is to not being able to tell him how much I loved him in our last conversation!” His death has taught me a lesson. You must always tell people how much you love them and the importance they hold in your life because you never know what lies ahead ! Don’t regret saying it but instead regret not saying so!” She slept after saying this but I couldn’t sleep that night. I woke up the next morning and hugged my parents good morning and told them how much they meant to me. Since then, I never step away from telling people how much I love them. I never met Cameron after that day but that one night changed my entire viewpoint in life. I have started believing that every individual comes to our life with the sole purpose of teaching us a lesson. Some are hard learned lessons while the others are just stories of wisdom. It is up to us to reason situations and learn something out of them. So, whoever is reading this, pick up the phone right now and call your parents,friends,husband/Boyfriend/girlfriend ,siblings and tell them how deeply you love and value their presence in your life.
What failed us? Was it me or you ? Whenever we hear that two people are heading towards a divorce , our mind gets cluttered with plethora of thoughts…”oh poor thing” So sad! “that’s just his side of the story , I wonder what’s hers?”, “Who is to be blamed”? “I hope he/she finds someone new & gets married again !”. Divorces are more complicated than we think they are! Gossip mongers get a reason to talk, families divide, kids (if involved) suffer the most! But most importantly it brings tremendous emotional damage to the two individuals who decide to part their ways! I was in a trauma for almost two years. My heart used to cry & beg her to come back whereas my pride used to always get ahead of me & stop me from making a fool of myself! I sold “our apartment”! I couldn’t stay there. My “so called home” felt like a haunted house with nothing but tasteful furniture in it! There was no warmth in this place. I felt cold & alone here. Sometimes I felt like the two walls of my bedroom were coming closer to each other with every coming day in a desperate attempt to choke me, to trap me within them so that I couldn’t break free! I dint want to go back home because I hated the way my parents looked at me with pity in their eyes. So, I brought myself a new apartment and stayed there alone. It felt better here. Hollow but without any bittersweet memories. My days went by just fine because I was busy in my job till the evening. The problem was only the nights. Even the darkness outside my room couldn’t match the deep dark thoughts in my mind! I was left alone, devastated. On one hand , I wanted to be alone & on the other hand, I hated feeling alone. Loneliness was eating up my soul again. Few of my friends suggested me to start dating again! I had gained a few pounds because of being depressed. I dint want to put myself out there anymore! The fear of rejection was even stronger than before. I knew I couldn’t do it. Some of my friends suggested online dating! My best friend Anna was in town. She called up and we decided to meet over a cup of coffee. She was the only person I could vent my heart out to. She motivated me to not loose hope! I don’t know how she does it! Motivates people with so much of positivity. We talked for hours & bid adieu to each other. My phone rang late in the night. It was Anna..she said “Hey Robbie, You have to be on Tinder. It’s an online dating app & so many friends of mine have really good things to say about it. “This is it buddy! Promise me you will register yourself there!” I felt a little excited after hearing this. I politely said “thank you” and kept the phone down. I thought maybe I should do this…then I thought even if I get lucky enough and find someone …when she asks me about my current status …What will I tell her? Single/Married/Divorce in progress? Lying seemed like a very tempting option right now. Maybe all girls deserved to be lied on! Maybe they dig bad boys! Maybe I should become one myself & date as many girls as possible ! I wanted to break hearts now! I had been on the receiving end for way too long now! The devil inside me was luring me to play bad & I was already enjoying the taste of this thought! Then my concious woke up & whispered in my ear.” If you become bad, how will you be different from the ones who emotionally murder others soul in cold blood?” I decided to channelise my energy to my work & post workout in the gym. I started feeling good about myself. Started socialising again. I received a call from our mutual friend one day…He said ” Hi..Ron..I was in a dilemma for the longest time whether I should tell you this or not but then I thought that as a good friend I should not keep you in the dark. I figured that this might help you move on too. Last night your wife went to her official party with a guy & introduced him as her husband taking your name!” All I could say is “okay ” & hung up. I could finally put together some pieces of the puzzle now. Maybe she was always in love with this guy. Was he a new guy or an old lover? Did she marry me because she was forced by her parents? I thought there could be only two things that coudve happened here : a) She was always in love with him that’s why she couldn’t accept me. b) After leaving me, she instantly feel in love with this new guy..the love she couldn’t feel with me inspite of my desperate attempts to make everything right . I wanted answers before. But now I dint want to know anymore! Whatever was the case, the hard truth was that she dint want me. I was done too. I wonder how did I get trapped in this maze! It took me two horrendous years to finally settle the divorce. I got myself a new job at a higher level. My hardwork had started paying off! One day I got a call from my childhood friend. He invited me over to his place for a house warming party for which I decided to go instantly. I was at a good place now. While getting ready, I looked at myself in the mirror & said..”you are an accomplished, self made man now! You don’t need a girl to make you happy! ” Brainy is the new sexy!” I gave myself a pat on my back & left for the party. I met him & my other old friends . It felt like coming home. I felt nostalgic , remembering those golden old days! Then suddenly I see a girl dressed in a chic black dress with long locks ! Whoa! She looked so attractive ! I had never found anyone so breathtakingly beautiful in the last three years! Our eyes met! I think she caught me looking at her just like a boy stares at his shining new car! She smiled back ! I looked away. She was walking towards me now! Oh my god! I felt my heart pumping at the same pace! Just like the last time .Was something wrong going to happen again? Was she going to insult me for starring too much! I froze! She came real close & gave a big hug to my childhood friend . I thought! Omg! I was caught starring at my friends girlfriend when he said…” Hey Ronnie, Meet Sally, my cousin from the U.S! There it was.. a sigh of relief! Sally & I have been dating for almost a year & a half now. Unlike before, we are madly in love! We have decided to take things slow this time. Miracles do happen and sometimes they are good people with kind hearts 💟
On the day we got married, everything looked so perfect! I woke up happy, wore my new suit, picked up my wedding vows & snuggled it in my pocket! I was feeling lucky! She was my first! Although our meeting was arranged by our parents but no one could be as flawless as she was! My dating history was nothing to brag about. I was in an all boys schools for the longest time & all the girls I ever liked later in my life were already in a relationship or friend zoned me. The ones who liked me couldn’t keep me amused for even a day! She was my first” real girl friend who was now going to be my wife “in a few fraction of seconds! This last month felt like I was living the dream! I pampered her with gifts, took her to all the lavish places I could afford ! After a courtship of one month, I just knew that she was “the one”! I see this gorgeous damsel dressed in a flawless beautiful white lace dress! She was daintily walking towards me! My heart beat got faster with each step she took. I dint know why was i scared at this moment? I at once ignored these thoughts & focussed on her alluring porcelain skin! We exchanged rings & were soon announced husband & wife! After we got married, she came up to me and said : ” Hey, I want our relationship to grow further and I think we need some more time to get to know each other better! Also, I think for now we should keep our honeymoon plans on hold since I am not very comfortable with you at the moment.” Even my company wouldn’t grant me these many leaves since I had recently joined the same. I immediately agreed, as I was madly in love with her. Our conversations only lessened as the days flew by. She dint talk to me. I thought maybe she needed time to open up because she was an introvert. I thought maybe that’s why she dint have any friends in town inspite of staying at the same place throughout her life, which was odd! But I was head over heels in love with her. Even thought things dint make sense, even thought I could sometimes see the “Red Flags flashing” all over, I choose to ignore all these signs! We used to get invited to many family luncheons & dinners. Once, on our way back home, she said : ” Ronnie, I don’t like the way you dress up! You need to match my standards! Can’t you see how good I look? You must try and put in some efforts to look good as well! I said “Ok! I am sorry! Won’t let you down from today.” She smirked : “Good! “There was an uneasy pin drop silence in the car till we reached home! I slept on the couch that night! She dint even once bother to call me to sleep on the bed instead! We kept growing silent! I started stretching my office hours because I wanted her to have more of the “Me Time”! I was big into music & being the romantic buff that I am, I thought maybe I should take inspiration from my favourite track by Nick Jonas : “Close.” Just before the chorus, he sings: “Space is just a word made up by someone who is afraid of getting too close”! Maybe that was her problem! She was afraid of getting too close! I wanted this to work badly so I dint say much. Night after night we were growing more distant. Sleeping on the couch was becoming an every night routine now. I never asked if I could sleep on the bed again & she dint offer either. One night, on our way back from a friends wedding, I realised that we were sitting in an awkward silence again. I stopped the car in the middle of nowhere & asked : “What am I doing wrong here Polly?” How much more time do u need? I heard no response. I blurted out this time : “I won’t drive till you talk! “. Tears started rolling down her cheeks & she said : ” I don’t like you! I don’t like your face! I hate it when you try and come near me. It pisses me off even when you just sit beside me! I despise you”! She went on : ” You are so immature! I guess that’s because you have never dated a girl before! How will you handle me? I am too good for you and you know it! I need a divorce! There it was ! Out loud! What was she saying? I wanted to speak but felt like my mouth was filled with soot! I asked her to calm down : “Listen, we can work this out! Let’s spend some more time together! Tell me what can I do to fix things?” She bluntly replied : “Nothing !”The next day she dropped the “D BOMB” at home. She wanted to leave. Her & My parents tried convincing her to stay but she was adamant & sure in her head that she wanted out! So she left. I woke up the next morning to find divorce papers resting on my table, waiting for my signatures……To Be Continued….
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